My Journal Entry from October 5th 2014: Where there are these [boxy things] those are my thoughts while typing but are not found in the journal entry
*Disclaimer.... I did change some words to the original entry because I usually write and night and so I am tired and things don´t always make sense*
I LOVED general conference. Yesterday`s sessions were inspired and just what the doctor ordered. I am aprehensive because I always fear my own weakness in forgetting. I forget constantly and almost immediately, though luckily, never FULLY the strong witness of the Spirit and instruction I recieved. [I bet that´s why the Angel Moroni appeared THREE times IN A ROW to Joseph. like.... HEY this is REAL and it´s IMPORTANTE!... I want to go to Conference 3 times in a Row]
At least I write it down to try to help me remember.
[REMEBER REMEMBER when we were in The Irrrrreland]
Now don´t get me wrong, its not that one day I see a miracle and the next I am denying Christ or anything. It´s more, in one moment I am so profoundly SURE of my testimony or a certain aspect of it and then in the next moment it´s fuzzier and then doubts and confusion return.
I don´t know if that`s normal.
I DO realize however that, although doubts return, my testimony is always a dash stronger. Like, I can´t CONSTANTLY feel the TOP 10 BURNING of the spirit , but I can recall it with more ease the stronger and more frequently that I experience it.
Basically, as I search to strengthen my faith, I recieve answers, but piece by piece.
It´s like I`m doing Puzzle [how ver fitting for Conference weekend as my Family always assembles a Puzzle whilst they gather to hear the sessions]
When the Spirit is STRONG and testifying, that is when I am looking at the Picture on the Box [of the puzzle], but then I have to set the box down and fit the piece in where it belongs in my life. I hope that it is secure and the right piece in the right place. Then I search for the next piece to work on. Of course I remeber the general idea of the picture of the puzzle, but it is always clearer and easiest when I am looking at the Picture on the Box [feeling the confirmation of the Spirit]
I KNOW some things and I Believe others, working to convert my beliefs into spiritual knowledge.
Gaining a testimony and retaining a testimony are real spiritual struggles. It is not 1 2 3 TESTIMONY!!!
It is a Puzzle [or a seed like Alma said (Alma 32). Whatever I am going with my metaphor of Puzzle]
Piece by piece.Prayer by Prayer. Day by day and covenant made by covenant kept. That is how it works.
You have to want it. You have to Actively search to strengthen it and you have to KEEP searching and strengthening it until it ALL fits together. [until you know EVERYTHING... which probably won´t be in this life... but I know some people who are close... DAD.... not close to dying.. close to knowing everything. hahahah Im funny]
How do you know when a puzzle piece fits?
By trying it in the space. [and then putting and fitting in the rest.. if it never screws up the groove... it FITS]
How do you know if the promised blessings from keeping
certain commandments will be fulfilled?
By keeping those commandments in your life.
I KNOW some things to be absolutely True and hence BELIEVE that others are because they naturally follow. [ it´s like when you have a little cluster fit together in your Puzzle... but it´s an Island not QUITE connected to the main picture... but you know it goes there even though you haven´t found EVERYTHING yet]
I will continue to act on my beliefs until they are disproved or they become knowledge. My knowledge is a result of fighting for my faith. [I let faith win and don´t let questiongs become doubts that suffocate priviously gained knowledge] It is not easy. Satan does NOT want us to know God´s plan. Satan does NOT want us to feel of God´s [emense] love for us. Satan does NOT want us to have any sort of Testimony.
Satan´s tools to fight testimonies are; Doubts, Undeserved feelings of Guilt for Honest Questions, Distractions, Discouragement and Impatience to the end of quiting.
Doubts come in the form of thoughts that "God might not or WILL not answer" or "I might just be talking to myself when I pray"
[The first and most pure leap of faith is made when we communicate to our creator, whom we have not seen in this relm, believing He is listening]
Guilt for honest questions usually come after you have planted your seed of faith and it begins to grow. This is why Satan tries to tell you your faith isn´t ENOUGH faith because it is not yet a TREE. His goal it to get you to disattend or even pluck your twig so that it never becomes a thick, tall TREE!
Some examples are " I know that the book of Mormon is True, but still have some questions about Joseph Smith" [Thats your honest question or your disconnected Island cluster in your Puzzle.] after a thought similar to that Satan will say to your heart " I can´t believe you´re doubting Joseph! I guess that means your DONT really know the Book of Mormon is True!"
Do not fall for this! Oce you have found and securely fit a piece in your puzzle, he tries to get you to doubt the pieces you´ve fit in whilst searching for the next to comeplete the picture.
In your quest to answer your questions , don´t loose spiritual ground you have already won!
QUESTIONS bring answers. Joseph´s question brought forth the restauration of Christ´s Church and the plenitud of the Gospel back to the Earth. QUESTIONS are good!
Donñt let Satan discredit answers you´ve already discovered just beause new questions have come up.
Do not feel guilty for wanting to know truths! [There ain´t no Shame in spiritual Hunger!.. Get your feel to eat, but always keep that Hunger]
The nest attack is distractions. That ol´ serpant, father of all Lies, will tell us: "you already know the Book of Mormon is tru, that´s good enough, Don´t worry about your other questions"
He does this because God is infinitely more poweful than he and so if he can´t stop answers from coming to those who ask he will try to get them to stop asking, become distracted and let your fire of a testimony burn out. Do not fall for that.
once your have a fire burning, it takes constant fuel to keep it from going out. Do not leave the flame of your testimony unattended and expect it to eternally glow. Don´t get distracted by the s`more table. your Testimony of your Father in Heaven and His plan for you is the most precious aspect of your life. FIGHT to obtain it, then FIGHT to RETAIN it.
Lucifer also uses discouragement. This trick is simple and one of his favorites because he can plant the bomb and leave us unattended while we "self"destruct! slowly blowing to bits Every piece we´ve fit into our testimony puzzle. Discouragment and impatience with the end of quittng go hand in hand.
Once you have found the easier pieces of the puzzle, the farm house and the flowers and the bushes, you are left with the harder part, THE SKY!
Every piece looks the same and is the same color. This is harder and takes more time. This is why patience is a required virtue for testimony building, growing and retaining. This is where trying pieces, almost blindly and routinely is the only option. You´ll wish the answers were are obvious and came as quickly as they did during the farm house part. youll wish that pice fitting came rapidly... but its just routine... blue sky... NOTHING!
You begin to wonder if all the pieces are THERE! Did Mom buy this at a Yardsale? Did Dagnee eat a piece?
And suddenly you become so impatient you start thinking maybe you should just pack it away and thy again next conference.
DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!
the picture is closer to being complete than it ever was before! So you dont have the WHOLE sky... but you know what it is a picture OF perfectly!
you can see the picture of what God wants for you, who HE is, who YOU are! and an outline of how to achieve it! Yeah some of the sky is still missing, but you still have time! and you have family members to ask for help! "clean Cup" chair change!
new perspective and opinions. keep fitting your puzzle together. Never give up.
Because the other option is Quit.
And Quitting is not just leaving the puzzle (your testimony) as it.
You Know mom wont let that table sit out forever, hahaha
Pretty soon you´ll have to clean up. You were SO CLOSE! but if your arent working on it you cant just leave ut as is.... You start taking it apart.... the sky.... then the outline...then pretty soon the "easiest" and simplest and most OBVIOUS parts come apart too.
The most BASICS of your testimony.
God is my loving heavenly Father. He hears and answers my prayers, He loves me. I am a child of God!
You take that apart. You stop praying. You stop progress..Then you lose progress youve already made....pretty soon You box up your puzzle and put in on the self to get dusty and then oe day you find yourself thinking "Puzzles are for Losers"
and it doesnt matter how happy Dad and Mom are doing their puzzle. Puzzles are for losers.
They´re maybe faking to be that happy. You are NOT getting your puzzle out again.
Maybe you think "my puzzle is Harder than Dads and I CANT DO IT! and no one is going ot help me!.... and puzzles are for losers!"
I will never find the sky pieces. I am just going to act like I never had a puzzle at all. "
Thats where I will leave you all today because I am out of time... but... I have tips on Puzzle RE-starts for next week.
I love you all and I wis you luck on your Puzzle piece of the week.
NEVER give up! Never Surrender!
